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Safety Planning

What is a safety plan?

A safety plan is a personalized and practical plan that includes ways to remain safe in a situation of crisis. It involves how to cope with emotions, tell friends and family about the abuse, take legal action, and more. Some people might think it isn’t a priority to do one at all, but when it’s needed, it has saved lives. It’s very important. During stressful moments, it’s very difficult for anyone to think clearly and make good, logical decisions. That’s why having a very clear safety plan laid out in advance can help you protect yourself.

For help creating a personalized safety plan, click here.

Safety While Living With An Abusive Partner:

Identify your partner’s use and level of force so that you can assess the risk of physical danger to you and your children before it occurs.

Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and there are ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas.

Don’t run to where the children are, as your partner may hurt them as well.

If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target. Dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined.

If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know what numbers to call for help. Know where the nearest public phone is located.

Know the phone number to your local battered women’s shelter. If your life is in danger, call the police.

Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help.

Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal to them that they should get help or leave the house.

Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you, nor they, are at fault or are the cause of the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to stay safe.

Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children.

Plan for what you will do if your children tells your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan.

Keep weapons like guns and knives locked away and as inaccessible as possible.

Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver’s door unlocked and others locked – for a quick escape.

Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you.

Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night.

Safety Planning With Children:

If you are in an abusive relationship, a safety plan should include ways that your children can stay safe when violence is happening in your home. It’s key to remember that if the violence is escalating, you should avoid running to the children because your partner may hurt them as well.

Planning for Violence in the Home

Teach your children when and how to call 911.
Instruct them to leave the home if possible when things begin to escalate, and where they can go.
Come up with a code word that you can say when they need to leave the home in case of an emergency – make sure that they know not to tell others what the secret word means.
In the house: identify a room they can go to when they’re afraid and something they can think about when they’re scared.
Instruct them to stay out of the kitchen, bathroom and other areas where there are items that could be used as weapons.
Teach them that although they want to protect their parent, they should never intervene.
Help them make a list of people that they are comfortable talking with and expressing themselves to.
Enroll them in a counseling program. Local service providers often have children’s programs.

Planning for Unsupervised Visits

If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your childrens’ safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are visiting can be beneficial.
- Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.
- If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations – this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid.

Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home.
Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station.
Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange.
- You can even plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other.
Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feeling, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity.

How to Have These Conversations

Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent.”

Note: If you are concerned about the safety of your pets, learn more about safety planning for pets – here.

Safety Planning During Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a time of change. Pregnancy can be full of excitement but also comes with an added need for support. It’s natural to need emotional support from a partner, as well as perhaps financial assistance, help to prepare for the baby and more. If your partner is emotionally or physically abusive toward you, it can make these months of transition especially difficult. Thankfully, there are resources available to help expecting women get the support needed for a safe, healthy pregnancy.

How can you get help?

If you’re pregnant, there is always a heightened risk during violent situations. If you’re in a home with stairs, try to stay on the first floor. Getting into the fetal position around your stomach if you’re being attacked is another tactic that can be instrumental in staying safe.

Doctor’s visits can be an opportunity to discuss what is going on in your relationship.

If your partner goes to these appointments with you, try to find a moment when they’re out of the room to ask your care provider (or even the front desk receptionist) about coming up with an excuse to talk to them one-on-one.

If you have decided to leave your relationship, a health care provider can become an active participant in your plan to leave.

If possible, see if you can take a women-only prenatal class. This could be a comfortable atmosphere for discussing pregnancy concerns or could allow you to speak to the class instructor one-on-one.

Leaving a Relationship

Preparing to Leave

Because violence could escalate when someone tries to leave, here are some things to keep in mind before you leave:

Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures of injuries.
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made, if possible. Keep your journal in a safe place.
Know where you can go to get help. Tell someone what is happening to you.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit.
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them, like a room with a lock or a friend’s house where they can go for help. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.
Contact your local shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them during a crisis. Acquire job skills or take courses at a community college as you can.
Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.

When You Leave

Make a plan for how and where you will escape quickly. You may request a police escort or stand-by when you leave. If you have to leave in a hurry, use the following list of items as a guide to what you need to bring with you. Our advocates can help you come up with a personalized safety plan for leaving.

1) Identification

Driver’s license
Birth certificate and children’s birth certificates
Social security cards
Financial information
Money and/or credit cards (in your name)
Checking and/or savings account books

2) Legal Papers

Protective order
Copies of any lease or rental agreements, or the deed to your home
Car registration and insurance papers
Health and life insurance papers
Medical records for you and your children
School records
Work permits/Green Card/Visa
Passport
Divorce and custody papers
Marriage license

3) Emergency Numbers

Your local police and/or sheriff’s department
Your local domestic violence program or shelter
Friends, relatives and family members
Your local doctor’s office and hospital
County and/or District Attorney’s Office

4) Other

Medications
Extra set of house and car keys
Valuable jewelry
Pay-as-you-go cell phone
Address book
Pictures and sentimental items
Several changes of clothes for you and your children
Emergency money

After You Leave:

Your safety plan should include ways to ensure your continued safety after leaving an abusive relationship. Here are some safety precautions to consider:

Change your locks and phone number.
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
Change your work hours and the route you take to work.
Change the route taken to transport children to school or consider changing your children’s schools.
Alert school authorities of the situation.
If you have a restraining order, keep a certified copy of it with you at all times, and inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect.
Call law enforcement to enforce the order and give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender.
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail (be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports, and be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number).
Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible.
Tell people who take care of your children or drive them/pick them up from school and activities.
Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order.

Protective Orders/Restraining Orders

A protective order can help protect you immediately by legally keeping your partner from physically coming near you, harming you or harassing you, your children or your family members. This legal documentation to keep your abusive partner away from you can often contain provisions related to custody, finance and more.

While protective orders may be able to put a stop to physical abuse, psychological abuse is still possible – so a protective order should never replace a safety plan. Note: If you already have a protective order, it should be kept on you at all times – and copies should be given to your children and anyone they might be with – especially when you’re leaving your partner.

You can get an application for a protective order at:

Courthouses
Women’s shelters
Volunteer legal services offices and some police stations

Other Legal Actions:

You also have the right to file a charge against your partner for things such as criminal assault, aggravated assault, harassment, stalking or interfering with child custody. Ask a volunteer legal services organization (attorneys who provide free legal services to low-income individuals) or an advocacy group in your area about the policies in your local court.

Not a US citizen?

If you are not a U.S citizen, learn more at Casa de Esperanza about your rights as an immigrant. You can also find further information here.

According to the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), immigrant women who are experiencing domestic violence – and are married to abusers who are US Citizens or Legal Permanent Residents – may qualify to self-petition for legal status under VAWA. If you would like more information, visit this website: http://www.uscis.gov/

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